So when news came out that the exclusive House and Senate gyms and athletic facilities are still open during the shutdown, though they’re on the official list of shutdown closures, an unnamed source explained away the discrepancy with a rhetorical question, “How do you close a basketball court?”
Well, I’ve been studying the shutdown, as it has been masterfully enacted by the White House, or as some are now calling it, The Spite House, and I think I can help. Start with armed officers — that’s the tack that the National Park Police are taking, and it’s working quite well, not only with our own citizens, but also non-English-speaking foreign tourists, who thought they were under arrest. Position the officers directly under the baskets. If the phrase “No recreating!” doesn’t work, they can shoot into the balls (the basketballs).
Cones, which are blocking drivers from pulling onto scenic overlooks to view Mount Rushmore, should likewise block members from using weight machines: just have the Shutdown Core of Engineers attach cones with screws to every weight-machine seat.
Barbed wire and barriers have proved reasonably effective at keeping veterans’ prying eyes off their WWII memorials. I’m thinking a little electrified fencing strung around the pools might keep Congressional swimmers ashore. Ditto for the showers.
It would stink to high-heaven around here if Members couldn’t use those showers. Can you imagine that?
Yes, I can imagine that. I’ve got news for you, Mr. Source — it’s stinking whether the showers are available or not.